nonest's Blog

Today I am different. Or so I say. I hope to say it well.

Today, I'm not so concerned with the screams, shrieks, calls. I have to be me today, and noone else.

Today, I walk far, I walk forwards, I walk without regrets because I know I've done somethings wrong.

Today things are different somehow, and there I am watching from far away. You will never find me.

Yesterday

What a day.

 I'm not sure how many think they understand fear.

Anxiety, panic, hope and hopeless;

You know where you are: lost.

No control and desperate. Forever.

But these things are merely just objects of it.

But why feel it?

Look at it approaching, laughing

as it passes you by,

as your life passes you by,

laughing at the thought of never returning home,

wipe this chips from your shoulder,

and let it go.

There is a light inside,

and loves. As you've felt before,

that has no capability hurt,

the loves you've loved, that loved you more.

And this never fails to love again. It will return. And when it does,

welcome it home.

And say don't leave me! I love you dearly! You never fail,

or fall again

it loves you

and mine is Annabelle

And I can't run, I can't play.

But now I can see, wherever I am I see her. 'Love me', she says, 'Today

Right now forget it because we can do it'

And now I'm different

I saw you. I saw It.

And now I can't forget,

just to spite you in your face,

see you fall hear all,

and know thy begger's claim.

You are foolish but cannot fool;

you've no knowing, what I do,

what I hide from you, where I've been and-

who are you anyhow?

No more! I say it loud and clear,

now quiet and strernly.

I walk and curse,

in a fight that could've been.

So silently, now listening,

as the birds' whispering,

to no more of your noise.

Maybe tomorrow.

 Jarred?

Are you listening to me? How do you expect me to help, when you won't listen? Am I intruding? Should I leave? Should I lay down for you?

Well, maybe. I don't want to, but

Remember that day when

Can I practise in peace?

Oh shit!

Just got the net at home and decided to take a look at the games and....oh shit!

There's one you shoot teletubbies, and when one gets close it has this mad sound a la The Birds (Hitchcock).

I was so depressed before, and now....he he...

 Bland, blunted, lacking and unable to express, holding back, not sure,

                                                                                                how...are you?

(What I say)

I'm...hate I's, I...uh(!), feel. I don't know, kinda blank I know it's funny (?). Always say it I know.

(What I'm thinking)

Well, how's confused sound to you?, or did you kind of get that general impression anyway from the way I look at the sky all the time, as if I'm searching for an answer to your stupid question. I should explain that I'm really trying to escape because I have NO FUCKING IDEA what you want from me. You escape my understanding (!!), so...

(What I say)

Ever notice the funny little things going on around you? Like when you find the meaning of a word, and then all of a sudden you see that word everywhere that day? Like someone's showing you how to use it?

"Yeah, sometimes..."

Well it's like I'm noticing it all the time, even when I don't want to, or think I'm not aware of it. Say for example the birds *motion with hand and bird flys over our heads*...

".........um. What...(!)"

Extremely unpleasant pause, followed by attempts to explain.

(What I think)

How on earth do I tell my good friend here I'm no angel or demon or bullshit, but CAN SOMEONE HELP ME KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? WHY DO THESE MIND GAMES PERSIST? How do I tell them about an alterego and my uncanny timing for knowing things?

"Yeah, sometimes..."

Right, I'm going to have to SHOW them. How can I though? This is only for my own selfish desires and blah but *bird thing*.

...not going to switch, not going to switch.

So instead, I'm just turning off, slowing down, shifting down a gear.

...huh, like that's gonna work! Here goes.

 Do any of us know where we are going? What we're doing, what we're thinking?

I'm sick of asking questions. Sick of being fearful, sick of people being feared.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. Like I'm fading somehow. It's like my arms are shrinking and the breeze is just going through them.

Like I don't exist, and my brain is shutting down. Pushed aside and so tired I can't be bothered being scared anymore. Until I realize this isn't my voice or body, and I change back again.

I have to stay awake. I have to stay awake. Have to go home now.

It doesn't matter if you anger, even hate. I anger, and I'm selfish. But you are loved. If I could do one thing before I go it would be this; give everyone a hug and tell them they are beautiful.

Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep loving whether you love yourself, a partner, your children, your friends or a stranger on the train. Know that you do love, and someone always loves you somewhere, no matter who they are.

We love you, even when we are scared or fear something. We can't help but love.

Keep going. Keep looking ahead.

This is love. This is my Light. Music.

Such beauty. Thankyou, sir.

Who on Earth knows what it's like to die? Sure, I personally have had my share of 'near death' experiences. I even died for 4 minutes earlier this year. But who can truely say this or that without doubt, ANYTHING ABOUT DEATH?!

Switching is like dying sometimes, especially the first time it happens. When you feel yourself fading away to somewhere, you've no clue what to expect or how to stop it.

Today, my name is Annabelle. Today, I have green eyes. Today is the day, I come out to play.

Today, I am a lie.

- Belle